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#37 Palin has criticized Obama for earmarks—even though her own earmark record makes for very interesting reading.

Palin has successfully convinced most of the country that she is a reformer, especially when it comes to stopping earmarks and wasteful spending. Yet Alaska has still asked for Washington for ten times more money per citizen for specific projects than any other state. But she has consistently criticized Obama’s record on earmarks . . . ?

Palin asked for a total of $198 million in earmarks this year, which is about $295 per Alaskan. Obama, on the other hand, who hasn’t asked for any earmarks this year, asked for $311 million worth last year, which is about $25 for every Illinois resident.

McCain Has No Appetite for Palin Pork
According to the L.A. Times, McCain has called out Palin for pork barrel spending at least three times in recent years. He objected strenuously to the following earmarks requested during Palin’s mayoral stint at Wasilla:

• 2001—$500,000 for a public transportation project in Wasilla in 2001.
• 2002—$1 million for an emergency communications center. (Law enforcement officials in Wasilla have called the center “redundant” and says it “creates confusion.”)
• 2002—$450,000 for an agricultural processing facility.

Palin Earmarks Not Approved by Congress

• $1 million to invest in new moose stew recipes
• $1 billion homeland security initiative to build a bridge to nowhere and then lure terrorist onto it to destroy them
• $13 million to fund expedition to North Pole in search of Santa
• $50 million to invest in new technology to turn snow into vanilla ice cream
• $5 million for, well, you know, I mean, my daughter is having a baby . . . so, you know, I work hard . .

#35 Sarah Palin may have fired people, but she also hired people as well, leading to accusations of cronyism and favoritism.

Friends and Relations
As governor, she appointed a school classmate, Franci Havemeister, to a position in the State Division of Agriculture. The job pays $95,000 a year; Havemeister, when asked about her qualifications, said that as a child she loved cows.

Sarah Stat
The New York Times reported that Palin, “runs an administration that puts a premium on loyalty and secrecy.”
Detractors have accused Sarah of calling those with whom she disagrees “haters” and “bad people who are anti-Alaska.”

Top Ten Signs You’re Bad People Who Hate Alaska

1. You don’t like moose burgers.
2. You don’t like hockey.
3. You believe in global warming.
4. You don’t have the balls to shoot for your own supper.
5. You don’t even know where Alaska is.
6. You sure as s—t don’t know where Wasilla is.
7. You take offense at the expression “Lower 48.”
8. You think “Lower 48” refers to body parts.
9. You like your church and state separate.
10. You believe in dinosaurs.

#33 According to The Frontiersman—Wasilla’s local newspaper—Sarah Palin’s response upon being questioned about her readiness for the role of mayor was that “it’s not rocket science.”

And yet, this is the very experience that Palin most often references when citing her qualifications to be vice president. The current mayor of Wasilla, Dianne Keller, agrees. In a statement given to The Washington Post, Keller states that, “Executive experience is executive experience. Whether you are a mayor or a governor or an executive at a company, the duties and responsibilities are the same.”

The same? What an interesting premise. We guess that means the owner of the local Waffle House franchise is qualified to be president as well.

Rocket Science Governance
But for the moment, let’s give both mayors—past and present—the benefit of the doubt. If correct, there’s no difference in the experience necessary to govern a city of 5,500 people, whose biggest concern is how much their new hockey rink is going to cost, and overseeing a nation of more than 300,000,000 citizens whose military is immersed in a war which—by definition—has no specific target, boundary, or means of determining victory. And the national debt? Ah, it’s all just numbers …

#29 Sarah Palin does not support gay marriage or spousal rights for gay couples.

. . . Perhaps because, like the congregants in the church she’s attended since 2002, she may believe that the “power of prayer” can turn gays from homosexual to heterosexual.

Sarah Says
“Oh, I don’t—I don’t know, but I’m not one to judge and, you know, I’m from a family and from a community with many, many members of many diverse backgrounds and I’m not going to judge someone on whether they believe that homosexuality is a choice or genetic. I’m not going to judge them.”
—Sarah Palin, as told to Charles Gibson on ABC News

Some congregations pray for peace. Some congregations pray for social justice. And some congregations, including Sarah Palin’s, pray the gay away.

#18 Sarah Palin has admitted that she smoked marijuana as a teenager, albeit at a time when Alaska had decriminalized use of the drug.

Half-Baked Alaska
She may look like a librarian, but don’t let that bun and those spectacles fool you. Sarah Palin (aka Mary Jane) is a pothead—or was. She admits to smoking dope when she was younger. But as her campaign rightfully points out, it was legal at the time in the state of Alaska.

We’re beginning to understand why people would live in that state.

Sarah Stat
Palin’s hometown Wasilla and the surrounding area is the methamphetamine capital of Alaska, according to Alaska State Troopers. (In her defense, Mayor Palin may have been too stoned to notice.)

Top Ten Reasons to Get Stoned in Alaska

1. You’re stuck on an ice flow
2. You’re stuck on the Bridge to Nowhere
3. You’re stuck on an Alaskan cruise
4. Sarah Palin is your mayor
5. Sarah Palin is your governor
6. Sarah Palin is your president
7. You’re in Alaska
8. You’re lost in Alaska
9. You live in Alaska
10. You’re gonna die in Alaska

#17 Sarah Palin’s father, Charlie Heath, is a retired science teacher and track coach.

When you remember that Sarah Palin strongly supports the teaching of creationism in schools, you have to wonder exactly what kind of science teacher Mr. Heath was.
It’s the obvious: He was an evangelical Christian science teacher.

Sarah Stat
According to Gallup, only 5 percent of scientists believe in creationism.

Which means either Charlie Heath is in the minority—or we need better science teachers.

#14 Sally and Charlie Heath moved their family to Alaska when Sarah was an infant.

If you’re like most Americans, you’ve never been to Alaska or Idaho. So you may not know how very different they are. Let us educate you:

• Idaho is cold, Alaska is colder.
• Idaho is big, Alaska is bigger.
• Idaho has relatively few people, Alaska has even fewer.
• Idaho’s highest point is Borah Peak at 12,662 ft., Alaska’s highest point is Mt. McKinley at 20,320 ft.
• Idaho has seven national parks and historic trails, Alaska has fifteen.

Enough. Let’s face it: Idaho is the poor man’s Alaska. No wonder the Heaths went North to the Future!

Sarah Stat
“North to the Future” is the Alaskan state motto. Of course, now Governor Palin is heading south to her future. Just don’t tell the Alaskans.

#5 Craig Ferguson was the reportedly the first to comment on Sarah Palin’s Sexy Librarian look.

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses—or do they? Let’s face it: It’s a rare man-boy who can resist fantasizing about his hot school librarian. In Palin’s case, she’s burning up more than fantasy at the library. She’s practically burning books.

Booked!
In 1996, Wasilla mayor Sarah Palin approached city librarian Mary Ellen Emmons and inquired how she might feel about censoring library books should she be asked to do so. As is often the case with these innocent-looking First Amendment radicals, Emmons reportedly retorted that she would definitely not condone the banning of any books. Within months, librarian Mary Ellen Emmons received a letter from Palin, telling her she was out (no word on the fate of the books).

Well-liked and respected, Emmons had been a fixture at the library for seven years. After a public outcry, Palin changed her mind and let Emmons keep her job. She insists now that her book banning inquiry was simply “rhetorical.”

Top Ten Books Palin Should Read

1. An Inconvenient Truth by Al Gore
2. How to Talk so Teens Will Listen and Listen so Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
3. Lipstick Jungle by Candace Bushnell
4. The Essential Feminist Reader by Estelle Freeman
5. The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama
6. The Greens Cookbook by Deborah Madison
7. Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
8. Of Wolves and Men by Barry Lopez
9. A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking
10. The Travel Book: A Journey Through Every Country in the World by Lonely Planet

#1 The Republicans have anointed Sarah Palin “Wal-Mart Mom of the Election.” And it’s playing well in Peoria. Not to mention Wasilla.

In 1996, the Soccer Moms were the key swing votes. In 2004, it was the Security Moms. And now, thanks to the in-your-face discount charm of Sarah Palin, the Wal-Mart Moms are expected to have the last word on November 4.

Who are the Wal-Mart Moms? According to Time magazine, they’re the forty- to fifty-something moms and grandmoms of the so-called Sandwich Generation—caught between their aging parents and their growing kids and charged with caregiving them all. They’re stressed, they’re broke, and most of all, they’re tired. Which helps us understand the love affair: Only battle fatigue could explain why they’ve fallen for Sarah Palin.

Why Sarah Palin Loves Wal-Mart

1. They have a fully loaded gun department
2. You can buy live bait there
3. Ammo is always priced at “buy five, shoot the sixth bastard for free”
4. The sushi bar is catch-it-yourself
5. You’ll find the latest in camouflagewear there
6. Beaver’s on sale for only $4.99 a pound—but remember, it’s even cheaper if you shoot it yourself (just ask Sarah) *

*See fully loaded gun department